Well boys and girls it’s that time of year again. If you remember clearly at all you know…holidays never were my forte. And yes this is a bit late but if it makes you feel any better I did write this on Christmas… I’m just having a little trouble swallowing some old pills. Same wounds. But better. Way more healed, whether I actually show that or not. And maybe that is what I’d like to be thankful for or feel blessed towards. I have come such a long way. No cutting. No pill popping. No sickening depression that sucks my life, strength, and health away. At least for right now, as far as that last one is concerned. It’s been a hard road. Suicides, natural deaths, dying friends, sick relatives, all of these made up my road towards the holidays… But the point is I made it. I didn’t cave when it would have been soooo easy to. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or that my heart didn’t break. It did. More than you could imagine. But I made it. And I did splendidly well on my finals my semester of college. So that’s always an amazing report. And I’m very proud of my Keturah’s musical success. Thank you for allowing me to blog about you…. And I don’t know…maybe things like that represent why I started this blog. “Lemonade in my Soup: Defeating this one day at a time” This blog was made as a way to vent and survive….and cease, desist, and quit. So I have to recognize how far I’ve come from being that hallow shell that I once was. That said…I’ve got an awfully long way to go.

 Well… Christmas Angel… if you exist, again you’ve looked over me. My heart is once again left in ruins. And I don’t know if I should cry, shout, or scream. I don’t know if I’m hurting so bad because the love I once knew is dying and I feel nothing or if it’s because the love I once knew is dying and it’s killing me. And I know how it sounds… How could I not know? But I don’t. It’s so…retarded. I don’t know how to stay… but it kills me to leave. I’m restless… but I am hurting. We fight… so badly. And that hurts. I see us becoming my parents… every kids’ dream huh? Especially when your folks are people who can hardly be civil towards one another for more than an hour….sometimes less. I just… Ughhhh I don’t knowwww anymore. Where’s this fricking Alice when I need her?

 -sigh- But I buried Alice… She’s not real. She’ll never be real. She’s a figment born from everything I’ve ever wanted. A friend. A friend who loved me for me and who understands. Not someone to cheer when I’m winning or to simply pat me on the back when I’m not so great. But someone who feels it in their heart when I hurt and they just have to be there. Someone who does their best to not fail me… even when I fail myself. Is it wrong to want to be made to feel special? I don’t base my worth by what people see me as… that’s stupid. But to look around crowded corridors and to see everyone with what you’re lacking…is killer. But AhA! Corridors, I say. Corridors? So still we see I speak of high school… I can’t stay in the present for long obviously. College is better. People are nicer. I’m not such a freak or outcast. But my heart is wary because… I’ve BEEN the freak. I’ve BEEN the outcast…for sooooo long. And it’s hard to get over your monster syndrome. I don’t know how to trust them long enough to see if it’s sincere or see through. I don’t know.

But hmm… the song for the theme today would be “Turn it Off” by Paramore. I’m not so sure about them these days, but when a song speaks to me…. And can describe me, I got to give it props.

Anywho,

Hope your holidays were/are a blast.
Much Much Much Love,

AuRoRa like ze 20’s

Because...

Sometimes the one who broke it...can't fix it. And yes, that feels like shit. To know you're doomed to feel the way you feel and there's no out. I can't run from you. Even when you're not here, you're here. You're everywhere, you're in everything. I want to run. I want to scream. I want to hate you....but only because I want you so badly.... Love you so deeply. The one boy I was always terrified to fall in love with. The one who would never intentionally hurt me....and still would never hurt me.... is hurting me so badly....for the simple fact his presence escapes me. He's so far. What does it matter to have your heart if I can't feel it. What is it supposed to mean when you're angry with me for not being able to feel said heart. Just leave me alone.... I want you to go away... but even when you leave... there are traces of you everywhere. And if this is a breakdown then it's a well deserved one too.... because I've been so strong through it all. Through my best friend's cancer and abusive husband. To my conflicted feelings for my mother... this one who I adore and worry for because of her weak heart but am enraged by because of how she regards me. To my father who doesn't like me much more than my mother does and does his best to avoid me because he can't deal with me. To the loss of... such a close friend andd andd andd these stupid flipping classes that are kicking my ass knowing theres no way I can stay in school without my scholarship and no way to graduate without passing those courses....

So you sir, you sir, can't ask me to be strong now that my heart is currently grieving your absence... where do I run to. I don't want to want you anymore. But all i've ever wanted was for you to want me. I just wanted you to want me. I just wanted to know that. I don't want all your time....not even a quarter! I just wanted a little bit of what you're willing to give...to feel important. You said it was safe to be in love with you. But that was the summer... and now it's fall and school has taken you ooohhh so far away....

I hope your studies are keeping you warm at night because, over here they just keep me awake and wondering...

How is my heart suppose to feel when you're always here and not there??
I don't ask for much. Nothing really. But... I can't ignore the empty that happens
when you can't be found. You can't be reached. When do our lives collide again?
When will I be what you have time for? I don't want to know the answers to those....

I don't want to know the answer, just......Don't wonder why I'm not still here when you've
finished pursuing all your endeavors ... I want nothing but your happiness....your success...
but, cutting me out.... well.... I guess... whatever it takes. Hope it keeps you warm at night 10
years from now.

-sigh-

I can feel it... the depression... winning again..... It's one of those fights that I wonder what's the point in fighting?
It always comes backs. No one cares.... I'm begining not too. What's the point? Why not live apathetically?

Ugh... I really could use a day or two to hide from the world....

Dear Alice,

Remember when I told you, I was writing you off and no longer would I address anything to you?
Well, looks like I've told another little white lie. I suppose, in a really weird sense...I miss you.
When I said go away, all I really meant was..."'Please...please....climb over my walls and find
me...'" But honestly there are a lot of days that I don't want to be found.

I don't want to be anyone different either. I just want to be a stronger me. ANd all I wanna know
is...if I started running now would anyone ever find me? Would they look?
Or would they just hang the blame on me for being the one who left and black sheep me further.

I get better evvvvveryday. I get sadder evvvvvvery day.

It's a battle. You bet kid. I'm ok for the most part now. My weight is stable now. =]
My clothes still don't really fit but I'm not disappearing anymore, Alice. Yah. It really
makes me feel safer. I really thought I was losing myself for a while...literally. But i'm
afraid that if the sad in my day starts to win out more often....then maybe I won't be stable for long.
Maybe I'll be "A cup of coffee and an overdose" all over again. Oh....and it's not hard. Especially
when you know no one's looking. You could slip away from this world at any moment....
because no one's looking. If gravity doesn't hold you down nothing can.

What if that was just me taking off my gravity. Just please....don't cry.
Don't be sad at all.... these are just the ravings of a wandering mind.
I just want out. Out of the pain and persecution. It's like...can't i get a rewind button
to start this all over and try again. Redo relationships....with family...with parents...with friends...
So that maybe I could do something to make them love me. Just a little bit, even? Just....
can't somebody want to keep me? Why am I so in-disposable? Dear God....please help.

I write you cards and letters through days by word of prayer.... I understand, why this happens, but
please don't give me the silent treatment right now. I don't want to be strong....I want you to carry me.
Save me from the destruction's of love.

Why wouldn't I want to run away from it all. I'd rather be alone.... all by myself rather than be alone
and watch everyone be together.


-sigh
Aurora

Haha, I'm just now finding out that all my Text post never really posted....well anyway.
Brokenly at best.
Great.

lol,
nothing to day right now, so until later my dears...

love ya,

SiMpLy AuRoRa

>MESSAGEME<